Vegetarian Recipes

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Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

September 29th, 2010 · 7 Comments

The 2010 audit of a little used top shelf revealed these four delights which we bought nearly a year ago on our annual jaunt to Madrid. In fact so forgotten and neglected were they that one packet was even a few months past its 100 year shelf life. However as these products are little more than a cocktail of preservatives, we concluded a year or two either side of the sell-by date would make no difference to a product which if previous Yuckblogs were anything to go by would inevitably taste of salty vomit. The only question which remained to be answered was whether Spanish salty vomit tasted any better than our homegrown British salty vomit. Read on…

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

The packets are opened and the contents cooked strictly as per instructions.

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

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Gallina Blanca ‘Risotto a la Gorgonzola’

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

Number of ingredients: 15
Calories: 664

Let’s start with the ‘best’ and work our way down to the bottom of this particular yuckblog slop barrel. Of the four culinary delights tested, this one resembled closest the photograph and lofty description on the packet and for that reason alone could have been voted the winner.

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

Flecked with indeterminate bits of green, the rice was creamy with the correct outer softness/ inner bite combination and the stringent flavour was very much of blue cheese. Unique among our samples, this was the only dish to have a lingering aftertaste – not necessarily a good thing.

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

Conclusion: The best of a bad lot.

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Next Carrefour ‘Risotto 5 Quesos’

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

Number of ingredients: 14
Calories: 475

If you’re in the market for a savoury rice pudding floating in a milky briny puddle then this is the dish for you.

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

How anything can claim to contain FIVE cheeses and yet still contrive to have such an utterly cheeseless flavour is a mystery bordering on miraculous. The only positive thing to be said of this dish is that unlike the Risotto a la Gorgonzola it has no aftertaste.

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

Don’t tell Social Services.

Conclusion: Filth.

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Next Carrefour ‘Volantinas a la Parmesana Com Parmesao

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

Number of ingredients: 11
Calories: about 600

Happily pushing the risotto to one side, let’s cleanse our palate and move optimistically on to the pasta course. First up we have another corker from Carrefour.

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

A cautious delve below the crusty Fusilli revealed the much anticipated vomit-flavoured liquid which this time managed to be both too salty and too sweet. Possessing less of an aroma and more of a miasma, I would caution against too long an exposure to its overpowering stench of powdered Parmesan.

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

Conclusion: Pure filth.

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Lastly Gallina Blanca ‘Tallarines a la Parmesana’

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

Number of ingredients: an impressive 23
Calories: 552

Do you really need any words … just look at that photo!

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

Saggy Tagliatelle (Sagliatelle™) in a VERY sweet and thin milk sauce which if you dare to look closely you will see has separated. No discernible Parmesan flavour. Thankfully.

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

Conclusion: Pure unadulterated filth.

Overall Conclusion: Spain can be proud. These are without a doubt the most noxious and foetid concoctions we have tested so far.

Yuckblog 9: The Four Saucepans of the Apocalypse

The ‘Risotto a la Gorgonzola’ after it had congealed.

Tags: yuckblog

7 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Tepid Halibut // Oct 5, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Hmmm. This is what we joined the EU for ?

  • 2 rob // Oct 5, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    An almost relevant comment from a long time lurker: Am off for a weekend in Madrid in November – as it appears you have been a few times before, where would you suggest for top-notch tapas while I’m out there?

  • 3 richard // Oct 5, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Hi Rob

    We would suggest you head towards the area/metro La Latina. Plaza de la Paja has some great cafes, as do Calle de la Cava Alta and Calle de la Cava Baja but in general the area is strewn with excellent places to eat.

    Enjoy your trip.

    R&D

  • 4 richard // Oct 6, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Hi Tepid Halibut

    ….and they’ve banned bendy bananas!!!!!

    R

  • 5 Tepid Halibut // Oct 6, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Noooo !!!!! Thank goodness there’s still Prawn Cocktail Crisps…

  • 6 richard // Oct 7, 2010 at 8:55 am

    You mean ‘Synthetic Fish-Flavoured Reconstituated Potato Snack Food Discs’? It’s true, I read it in the Daily Mail.

    R

  • 7 rob // Oct 12, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    Richard – thanks for the tapas suggestions, much appreciated.

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