richard It was obvious from the outset that this was going to be an unfair contest as these products are intended for two very different markets. One is a collection of processed junk cynically targeted at children and the other a holy trinity of ‘Trusted Brands’ marketed to grown-ups.
‘Delicious hot or cold’
First up the Attack a Snak
Number of ingredients: 29 including Diglycerides of Fatty Acids
Calories: 240
Price: £1.32
Description: Ham wrap with Cheestrings
Hmmm, what do we have here? Some sweaty pink stuff, a piece of vacuum-packed fluorescent plastic, cardboard and an incongruous sachet of Heinz tomato ketchup.
The pink stuff has to be one of the most unappetizing things I have ever seen. A sweating, flaccid, ragged slither of putrid-looking flesh… surely it’s in here by mistake. A reluctant tasting reveals it to be overly salty with a very slight taste of ‘meat’, possibly chicken.
The fluorescent plastic turns out to be something called a ‘Cheestring’ and apparently is safe to eat. Safe but not pleasant, especially with its oily soapy aftertaste.
The cardboard was in fact just that, cardboard.
It is difficult to assemble into anything resembling a wrap as the cardboard is brittle and tends to snap rather than roll. Tasted as a combo it starts with salty wet meat, goes through uncooked pastry and ends with tomato ketchup. There is no cheese flavour at all.
If you want to read some cartoon wrapped bullshit about how healthy and nutritious Cheestrings are, click here.
Conclusion: Rancid. I shudder to think what this would have tasted like if we had taken up their suggestion, bunged it in a microwave and served it hot. This is not food.
Next the Cathedral City Lunch Pack
Number of ingredients: 27 including Sulphur Dioxide
Calories: 399
Price: £1.72
Description: 4 Mature yet mellow Cheddar slices, 4 crisp baked JACOB’S Cream Crackers with delicious BRANSTON Pickle Dip.
What can I say. It’s a cream cracker with a piece of cheddar and a blob of pickle on top. Very tasty. We’d eat it. In fact we did
So confident are Cathedral City about their Lunch Pack, they don’t even mention the exciting inclusion of a plastic spreader.
Conclusion: A convenient albeit over-priced and over-packaged way of buying 4 cream crackers with cheese and a blob of pickle on top.
Winner: Lunch Pack by a mile. By a hundred miles. By 10,567,876 miles.
Good god, I can’t quite believe the flacid pink sweaty stuff. That is possibly the most disgusting thing I have seen all week. I have heard of the cheesestring but thought it was just an urban myth.
The lunch pack is great as it shows there is just no need for the greasy salty MRM slice or the plastic cheesealike material. I’m suprised the crackers aren’t a bit damp and stale from the moisture in the pickle.
The first thing that came to mind upon viewing that paper thin flesh derivative was when I had to dissect a rat in Biology.
All joking aside, and not to sound off like Jamie “wanker” Oliver, but the thought that any human should consider the Cheesestring affair worth eating (or consider it worthy eating for their child) is depressing as hell.
Ban this filth.
Did the Attack-a-Snack happen to have mechanically seperated anything included in the 29 ingredients listed? My guess is yes, which would explain the chicken aftertaste when the product is touted as ham.
A friend of mine once tried Cheesestrings and he sent me a text explaining his disappointment in the fact that it was neither cheese, nor string…
The crackers won’t go soft – those with sharp eyes will have noticed the clever chaps at Cathedral City have sealed all the way around the cheese and pickles, which stops the spread of damp
I have has Russian smoked cheese that is stringy and salt. Great bar snack.
I don’t normally like to shout but WHY AREN’T THERE LAWS AGAINST BRUTALLY EXCESSIVE PACKAGING LIKE THIS?!?