If your griddled halloumi doesn’t adhere to these rules, throw it away and start again.

Preparation time: 10 minutes
Cooking time: 25 minutes
Skill level: easy
Serves: 2

Ingredients

• 2 aubergines – cut into 2cm cubes
• extra virgin olive oil – 3 tbsp
• 410g can of chick peas – rinsed and drained (or soak and cook dried chick peas)
• 1 lemon – peel and pith removed – roughly chopped
• 1 clove of garlic – crushed
• tahini – 1 tbsp
• fresh mint – a generous handful – shredded
• halloumi – 250g pack – cut into 8 slices
• rocket – 100g

Mix together the aubergine cubes and olive oil, season and place in a large non-stick frying pan.

Cook over a medium heat for 15 – 25 minutes or until the aubergine is soft and light brown.

Set aside to cool.

Meanwhile put the chick peas in a large bowl and gently crush with a potato masher.

Add the lemon (including juice), tahini, garlic, mint, seasoning and mix together.

Add the cooled cooked aubergine and combine all the ingredients.

Next place a griddle over a medium heat and dry fry the halloumi for a minute or two on each side. (If it doesn’t look like the diagram, throw away and start again)

To serve, place some rocket on the plate, spoon over the aubergine salad and top with the halloumi. Garnish with a few mint leaves.

Verdict: A quick, easy, tasty and healthy midweek meal which could become a regular on the menu here at Yumblog Towers… be generous with the mint.

Drink: A bottle of red.

Entertainment: ‘Celebrity Masterchef’, week 2. Mark Little is charming. Danielle ‘I shag footballers for a living‘ Lloyd isn’t.

Preparation time: 15 minutes
Cooking time: 20ish minutes
Skill level: very easy
Serves: 4

Ingredients

• dried butter beans – soaked, cooked and drained – 350g
• 2 cloves of garlic – chopped
• extra-virgin olive oil – 8 tbsp
• vegetable bouillon – 250ml
• chopped parsley – 3 tbsp
• sea salt and black pepper

Pour the oil into a suitable soup pan and gently saute the garlic to a light gold colour.

Add the butter beans, season with salt and pepper and cook covered for 5 minutes over a medium heat.

Remove about a teacupful of beans and liquidise to a paste.

Return to the pan of remaining beans and add the bouillon.

Simmer for a further 5 minutes.

Taste and adjust the seasoning.

Stir in the parsley and remove from the heat.

Serve with some toasted crusty bread drizzled with olive oil.

Verdict: Very good in both its soup and salad guises. Obviously, if you prefer you could add extra stock/water for a more liquid soup.

Drink: Co-op organic ale.

Entertainment: The frustratingly equivocal ‘Cloverfield‘ on terrestrial TV which sent us to bed with far too many unanswered giant-Manhattan-eating-monster questions.

Why not splash out and spend three and a half euros on a fancy tin of tuna?

Preparation time: 15 minutes plus time to let the potatoes cool
Cooking time: 20 minutes
Skill level: easy
Serves: 2

Ingredients (quantities are fashionably vague)

• new potatoes – boiled, cooled and chopped into smallish pieces – enough for 2 people
• tin of good tuna steak – drained
• 3 hard boiled free-range eggs – roughly chopped
• 1 large ripe tomato – chopped into small pieces
• sun-dried tomatoes – chopped – several
• Jalapeño peppers – sliced – some
• lettuce leaves of your choice
• s & p
• olive oil
• white wine vinegar
• sesame seeds

Put the potatoes, tuna, egg, tomatoes and peppers into a large bowl and mix together with your hands. Season.

Make a generous amount of dressing by mixing together the olive oil and vinegar in a ratio of 4:1.

Pour over the salad, add some sesame seeds and mix together. Check the seasoning.

The salad will benefit from sitting for a short while so that all the flavours can meld together.

To serve, line the dishes with the lettuce leaves and spoon over the salad. Drizzle with a little more peppery olive oil.

Order another beer and enjoy.

Verdict: This was almost as tasty as the one I had on holiday despite it being a damp evening in Bethnal Green. Remember to be generous with the sun dried tomatoes, Jalapeño peppers and olive oil as these all combine to give this salad its zingy kick.

Drink: A bottle of Rosé from the disappointing wine section at the local Co-Op.

Entertainment: ‘New Tricks’ on iPlayer. A not very guilty pleasure here at Yumblog Towers. Who could resist singing along to the theme tune?

Preparation time: 110 minutes plus chilling time, or if using preshelled shrimps, 5 minutes plus chilling time
Cooking time: 5 minutes
Skill level: easy
Serves: 2

Ingredients

• 60g unsalted butter
• Juice of 1/4 lemon
• A small pinch of nutmeg
• A small pinch of cayenne pepper
• 1 small bay leaf
• 1/2 tsp anchovy essence or paste
• 70g peeled brown shrimps
• Salt and freshly ground white pepper

Melt the butter, add the lemon juice, nutmeg, cayenne, bay leaf and anchovy essence.  Simmer on a low heat for two minutes. Remove from the heat and leave to cool until it’s just warm.

Add the shrimps to the butter mixture and stir well. Season with salt and freshly ground white pepper. Put the mixture in two ramekins or straight onto plates.

If you are not serving them that day, put the ramekins in the fridge and cover with clingfilm.

An hour before serving, remove from the fridge to soften the butter.

Spread on a light brown bread.

Verdict: Despite hearing almost the whole of the Freak Zone whilst standing up peeling the blighters it was well worth it, the subtle flavours of the spices mixed with the butter were utterly delicious and despite thinking we were hard done by with our meagre portions, half a ramekin is pretty filling.

Drink: A glass or two of eau de robinet.

Entertainment: Unreconstructed fag-smoking-Duran-playing Ashes to Ashes.

Yumblog is sticking with the porkies told in our autobiography ‘Yumble Pie’ that we were in fact the Glasgow giants’ star player and gloriously took them to the final of the 1978 Scottish World Cup where we scored a brilliant hat trick in the last minute of extra time. And instead of a lap of honour, Yumblog ran a full marathon – in under three hours – dressed as a giant cock – for fucking charity!

The Germans have no word for ‘Schadenfreude’

Preparation time: 10 minutes
Cooking time: 20-30 minutes
Skill level: easy
Serves: 4 as a side dish

Ingredients

• 2 medium aubergines
• 2 large red peppers
• 2 small onions
• olive oil
• garlic – 2-3 cloves – crushed
• parsley – handful – chopped
• anchovies (optional)
• s & p

Lightly coat the vegetables (halve and de-seed the peppers, but keep the aubergines and onions whole) in olive oil and place on a baking tray.

Put in a hot oven and bake until soft, puckered and blackened (like in the lovely photo below). This should take 20-30 minutes.

When cool enough to handle remove the skin from the pepper and aubergine.

Cut the peppers and onions into quarters, the aubergines into slices lengthways, and arrange in a pleasing fashion on a serving dish.

Mix the garlic with a generous slug of olive oil and pour over the vegetables.

Season with course sea salt and sprinkle with the parsley.

Finish off with a few anchovies. Vegetarians could leave these out or substitute with goat’s cheese.

If possible leave for a few hours for the flavours to blend.

Eat cold as a salad or reheat in the oven for a hot dish.

Verdict: Looks good, tastes good and by golly does you good.

Drink: A pair of Meantime before and a few glasses of red during.

Entertainment: Listening to two sisters talking in a way that only sisters can.

Preparation time: 10 minutes
Cooking time: It’s a salad
Skill level: Easy
Serves: 2 as a starter or light lunch

Ingredients

• a dozen juicy, crunchy, peppery radishes
• 1 apple
• juice of 1/2 lemon
• rape seed oil – 1 tbsp
• fresh mint – 12 leaves – shredded
• s & p

Remove the choicest leaves from the radishes and put aside. Slice the radishes to the thickness of a Ten New Pence piece. Quarter and core the apple and also slice to the thickness of a 10p.

Put the leaves, radishes and apple in a suitable bowl.

Mix together the lemon juice and oil and season with salt and a good twist of black pepper.

Pour over the salad and finish off with a scattering of mint.

Hail the very first radish of the season.

Verdict: Refreshing, minty and sharp. Home-grown radishes are far superior to shop-bought.

Drink: H20 and K4E.

Entertainment: Sunday paper.

Preparation time: 10 minutes
Cooking time: none (although you’ll need to allow a few hours for chilling)
Skill level: Easy
Serves: 2 main or 4 starter

Ingredients

• ripe tomatoes – 1 kg
• stale white bread – crust removed – 75g
• olive oil – 6 tbsp
• white wine vinegar – 5 tbsp
• garlic – 3 cloves
• chilled water – about 300 ml
• cumin – pinch
• finely chopped spring onion, green pepper and cucumber for the garnish
• croutons (optional)
• salt – 2 tsp

Soak the stale bread in water for 5-10 minutes and squeeze dry.
Place the tomatoes in boiling water for a few minutes until the skin starts to split. Skin, de-seed and roughly chop.

Put the tomatoes, bread, cumin and garlic in a food processor and blitz until smooth.

With the machine still running, slowly add the oil and then the vinegar.

Switch off and add enough water for your preferred consistency.

Chill for at least 2 hours.

Ladle into bowls and add a spoonful of the garnish.

Verdict: There are few things in life better than gazpacho. Delicious beyond description.

Drink: A trio of cold lagers in a pair of local pubs.

Entertainment: ’24′, series one, 20:00 to 22:00. Everyone has been kidnapped (again). Dennis Hopper has a weird Bosnian/Welsh hybrid accent.

If you live in London, a stall in Borough Market usually stocks salsify

Preparation time: 10 minutes
Cooking time: 1-1.5 hours
Skill level: Easy

Ingredients

• salsify – as much as you want
• vegetable stock – enough to generously cover the salsify
• garlic – 2 cloves – crushed
• olive oil
• white wine vinegar

The quantities above are vague as they depend on the amount of salsify you have … and besides, it’s a pretty simple recipe.

Peal the salsify, cut into 15cm lengths and drop in acidulated water (to preserve their whiteness).

Bring some light vegetable stock to the boil and add the salsify. Bring back to the boil, turn down to a simmer, cover and cook for about an hour until tender.

Set aside to cool.

Make a garlic vinaigrette to your taste … as a rule, 4 parts oil to 1 part vinegar, and as much garlic as you fancy.

Drain the salsify, pour over the dressing and serve as part of a feast.

Verdict: Rich, creamy and garlicky.

Drink: A chilled white tonight.

Entertainment: ‘Waking the Dead’ – possibly the only compulsory viewing currently on TV.

Preparation time: 10 minutes
Cooking time: 45 minutes
Skill level: Easy
Serves: 4

Ingredients

Salad

• puy lentils – 200g
• 1 bay leaf
• 1 stalk of celery
• 1 sprig of thyme
• olive oil – 2tbsp
• 1 large onion – finely chopped
• cumin – 2tsp
• spinach – 400g
• parsley – 4tbsp – chopped

Dressing

• olive oil – 5tbsp
• Dijon mustard – 1tsp
• red wine vinegar – 5tsp
• 4 garlic cloves – finely chopped
• lemon rind – 1tsp – finely grated

Rinse the lentils and add to a large saucepan of water. Tie together the celery, bay leaf and thyme and add to the pot. Bring to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer and cook the lentils for 40 minutes or until tender.

Make the dressing by combining all the ingredients plus salt and black pepper to taste.

Drain the lentils and place in a bowl. Pour in most of the dressing and mix thoroughly.

Meanwhile back to the rest of the ingredients. Heat the oil in a large pan and cook the onions for 5 minutes, then add the cumin and cook for a further minute. Add the spinach and season. Cook for a couple of minutes, until wilted.

Stir the spinach into the lentils and leave to cool. Adjust seasoning and add more dressing if deemed necessary. Scatter with chopped parsley and serve with lightly toasted pitta.

A present from Libya – a subtle set of stamps called ‘American Aggression’

Verdict: The star was the lemon rind in the dressing which really adds a lovely flavour to the dish. A very refreshing plate.

Drink: Post-pub ill-advised bottle of red.

Entertainment: QI repeats on BBC2, followed by quickly flicking over to Jonathan Ross purely for the purpose of shouting at the tv.