Sure enough, a quick glance reveals the founder members of the NHC to be the benevolent and world-hugging trio of Coca-Cola, Nestlé and (ooo)Danone. Could it be that the Natural Hydration Council is in fact just the ring piece of the desperate, global-recession-hit bottled water industry? Is there any chance they have clubbed together and paid a PR company to mash up a series of googled facts about water and cynically apply them to bottled water? Maybe these ‘facts’ are so strained, patronising and over-simplified that they are insulting to anyone a fraction more evolved than a half-wit? Below is a summary, you decide.

It seems bottled water is helping to beat the obesity epidemic: ‘Governments all over the world are encouraging consumers to drink more water and less high calorie drinks in an effort to curb the relentless rise in obesity levels.’

Is great for the environment: ‘Plastic bottles: a recycling success story. Plastic recycling reduces both waste and energy consumption. In 2007, 35% of plastic bottles were recycled – a 68% increase on the previous year – and this rate is predicted to increase to 50% in 2008.’

Has a small carbon footprint: ‘Global warming is a serious threat to life on Earth. The science is no longer disputed. The bottled water industry recognises its contribution, and has taken many actions to reduce its impact even further.’

Is super efficient: ‘Natural bottled water is the most efficient packaged beverage when it comes to water efficiency, as so little water is used in its production.’

Saves lives: ‘In July 2007, Gloucestershire experienced the worst floods on record. Bottled water came to the rescue again after drinking water supplies had become contaminated. Bottled water emergency relief is only possible where there is a thriving bottled water industry, with enough capacity in the system to be able to handle the massive demands made of it during the relief effort.’

… and so on.

In fact the content of this website is so self-serving and specious that were it to give away gold embossed PhDs in ‘Natural Hydration & Applied Waterology’, even Gillian McKeith would hesitate momentarily before snatching it with a cadaverous claw and clasping it to her shrivelled witchy bosom.

Here’s a fact: The average cost of bottled water is 95p per litre. The average cost of tap water is £1 per 1,000 litres. Sometimes the two are the same.

Here are some more facts.

This page is sponsored by Le Creuset

Preparation time: 10 minutes
Cooking time: 40-50 minutes
Skill level: easy
Serves: 2 for a main course

Ingredients

• 4 onions (about 600g when peeled) – thinly sliced
• butter
• plain flour – 1 tbsp
• Pastis – 2 tbsp
• dry white wine – 3 tbsp
• vegetable stock – 1 litre
• garlic – 1 clove
• olive oil
• s & p
• French bread – day old – about 8 slices
• Gruyère cheese

Melt some butter in a large pan and add the thinly sliced onions. Sauté until the onions have caramalised and gone brown. You may have to do this in several stages as the onions need to have plenty of contact with the bottom of the pan.

Add the flour, stir and continue cooking for a minute or two.

Add the Pastis, wine and stock, bring to the boil, cover with a lid and simmer for 20 minutes. Season to taste.

Meanwhile, brush both sides of the bread slices with olive oil and place on a baking sheet. Season with salt and pepper and place under a grill until toasted (both sides). Rub with garlic.

Ladle the soup into the serving dishes, carefully float the toasts on top and generously sprinkle with the cheese. Place under a hot grill until the cheese has melted.

Serve.

Verdict: A rich, sweet warming soup.

Drink: A bottle of dry white wine (minus 3 tbsp for the soup)

Entertainment: ‘MasterChef’ followed by ‘Grand Designs’ – John, Gregg AND Kevin McCloud on the same night – a cracking good evening of viewing. Definitely didn’t like the Clapham couple with their £1,000,000 grade 2 factory conversion

I suspect that the catastrophic events resulting from the latter will make the findings of the former fairly irrelevant. By the time the London Olympics come along we’ll be stoving each others heads in for the price of a gallon of 4-Star and bacon butties will be but a distant memory.

The future looks like it could be a little uncomfortable, so why not console yourself with this hot, cheesy, comforting herby potato gratin.

Preparation time: 15 minutes
Cooking time: 1 hour 15 minutes
Skill level: Easy
Serves: 4

Ingredients

• potatoes – 800g – peeled and sliced thinly
• gruyère or emmental – 100g – grated
• parmesan – 4tbsp – grated
• double cream – 250ml
• full-fat milk – 250ml
• garlic – 3 cloves – crushed
• rosemary – 2 sprigs
• thyme – 2 sprigs
• butter
• salt & pepper

Heat the oven to 160ºC/gas mark 3. Butter and season a baking dish. Put the cream, milk, garlic and herbs in a pan, bring to a simmer, remove from the heat and leave to infuse for 10 minutes.

Layer a quarter of the potato in the bottom of the dish and sprinkle with a quarter of both cheeses. Repeat 3 more times. Remove the garlic and herbs from the cream mixture and pour over the potatoes.

Place in the oven and cook for 1 hour 15 minutes.

Verdict: Potatoes and cheese? Can’t go wrong. We ate this with a rather novel steamed Romanesco and salad.

Drink: A bottle of red to accompany, several Leffes down the pub prior.

Entertainment: ‘QI’ and ‘Spaced’, series 1, episode 6 – the one where Mike gets thrown out of the Rough Ramblers and Tyres takes them all clubbing.

I’m sure as I write this some faceless, tasteless, chinless middle manager is measuring it up to be yet another Tesco Metro. And no doubt on the grand opening people will flock there and marvel at the choice … Bernard Mathews turkey ‘ham’, both types of cheese (Cathedral City AND Dairylea), Mothers Pride, Mr Kipling Raspberry Flavoured Swiss Roll, Blossom Hill Cabernet Sauvignon and Heinz Spaghetti Bolognese.

We deserve what we are given.

In case you need convincing, eighty per cent of the bread sold in the UK is made by the charmingly named ‘Chorley Bread Process’. This may sound like it is lovingly hand-crafted in Camberwick Green by Mickey Murphy the Baker using flour milled by Windy himself, but it is in reality a highly industrialised process which produces a bland, uniform ‘product’ bearing little resemblance to real bread.

When you add to this the fact that your supermarket loaf can contain such culinary delights as mould inhibitors, sodium stearoyl 2 lactylate, ethoxylated and succinylated monoglycerides, or polysorbate 60, then it has to be worth making a little effort and baking it yourself.

Domestic bread makers are always an option but I have found they tend to produce an anaemic and rather stodgy loaf only suitable for toasting.

Preparation time: 15 minutes + 1 hour waiting
Cooking time: 30/35 minutes
Skill level: Easy

Ingredients

• organic strong white flour – 250g
• organic wholemeal flour – 250g
• fast action dried yeast – 2½ tsp
• sunflower oil – 2 tbsp
• demerara sugar* – 1 tbsp
• warm water – 300ml
• sea salt – 1 tsp

Firstly in a measuring jug dissolve the sugar into 100 ml of boiling water and then add 200 ml of cold water – this will give you 300 ml of solution at the correct temperature. Add the yeast and set aside for 5 minutes by which time it should have a frothy head about an inch high.

Using your hands, mix together the flours, salt and oil and gradually add the yeast mixture until a dough had formed. TIP: if you oil your hands beforehand it will help prevent the dough sticking to them.

Place on a floured surface, roll up your sleeves and enthusiastically knead for 10 minutes until you have a firm elastic dough.

Place this dough into a well oiled 1½lb bread tin, punch it down so it sits level at the bottom, lightly cover with oiled cling film, and set aside in a warmish place. Go away and amuse yourself for an hour or so until the dough has risen enough to dome over the top of the bread tin. Remove the cling film (obviously) and place towards the top of an oven pre-heated to 200 ºC (Gas Mark 6).

Bake for 30/35 minutes.

Turn out onto a cooling rack (you’ll probably have to run a sharp knife down the sides and give it a good thump to do this)

As with all bread baking, tap the bottom of the loaf to check it is fully cooked – it should make a hollow sound.

And that’s all there is to it. Being domestic goddesses we generally double the quantities and make 2 loaves, putting one in the freezer for later in the week.

*Use ½ tbsp of sugar with ½ tbsp of either honey or malt extract to give the bread a slight (unsurprisingly) honeyed or malty flavour.

Verdict: As always, a good tasty wholesome loaf.

Drink: Strong coffee

Entertainment: Bread is usually baked on Sunday morning whilst listening to the radio. It is always a dilemma whether to listen to Russell Howard on 6Music, or for added middle-class ponciness, The Archers on Radio 4. Adolescent humour or the continuing saga of Ruth’s breast reconstruction surgery … a tricky one.