Preparation time: 15 minutes
Cooking time: 60 minutes
Recipe: variation on a Dan Lepard
Skill level: easy

Ingredients

• rhubarb – 400g
• unsalted butter – 50g
• caster sugar – 75g
• juice of ½ lemon
• dark muscovado sugar – 100g
• black treacle - 50g
• honey – 150g
• ground ginger – 5 tsp
• sour cream – 150g
• 1 medium egg
• wholemeal flour – 200g
• ½ tsp bicarbonate of soda

Preheat your oven to 180C/gas mark 4

Line a 20cm round springform cake tin with a single sheet of buttered foil, pressed carefully into the base and up the sides.

Cut the rhubarb into 3-4cm pieces and lay in tight rows across the base of the tin. Sprinkle with the caster sugar and lemon juice.

Put the muscovado in a saucepan with the treacle, honey and ginger, and bring to a boil.

Remove from the heat and pour into a mixing bowl with the butter and sour cream. Stir to combine.

Beat in the egg and then stir in the flour and bicarb.

Bake in the oven for about an hour.

Leave to cool a little before upturning carefully and lifting off the foil.

Verdict: Sweet, tart and gingery. A dollop of cream or a cascade of custard and suddenly it’s pudding.

Drink: Equally good with a mug of tea or a glass of wine.

Entertainment: Point Blank

We decide to get away
And have some fun
Book a room and catch a flight
For two weeks in the sun
She says, “Hawaii’s too expensive.”
I say, “Barbados isn’t bad.”
She says, “I’d love to see Yorkshire”
And I say, “Woman, are you mad!”

Rhubarb Triangle
It makes whippets disappear
Rhubarb Triangle
Don’t go too near
But she doesn’t see my angle
And she thinks I’m being dumb
So Rhubarb Triangle
Here we come!

(That’s enough – Ed)

Yumblog Junior has her first taste of lemon cake

For some reason something went awry with the quantities and we ended up with a considerable amount of the filling left over after we had made our pithiviers, hence this potted version.

Preparation time: 15 minutes
Cooking time: 30 – 35 minutes
Recipe: Simon Hopkinson
Serves: 8
Skill level: easy to medium

Ingredients

For the crème patissière

• milk – 250ml
• caster sugar – 75g
• 3 (free range) egg yolks
• plain flour – 25g
• 1 vanilla pod – cut lengthways

For the chocolatey bit

• unsalted butter – softened – 110g
• caster sugar – 110g
• 2 (small) eggs
• ground almonds – 110g
• cocoa powder – 50g
• plain chocolate – finely chopped – 110g
• dark rum – ½tbsp

First make the crème patissière:

Pour the milk into a saucepan along with the vanilla pod and gently heat to boiling point.

Whisk together the eggs yolks, sugar and flour.

Pour the hot milk over the egg mixture and whisk lightly together.

Return to the heat and cook gently until it thickens.

Pour through a sieve, ditch the vanilla pod and chill.

Next for the chocolatey bit:

Cream the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy.

Add the eggs and beat together.

Next add the ground almonds and cocoa powder and beat together.

Now add the rum, crème patissière and chopped chocolate and fold everything together.

(if at this stage you want to make pithiviers, you’ll need to chill the mixture and find yourself a recipe for the pastry)

Spoon into ramekins and chill until ready to cook.

Preheat the oven to 190c/gas mark 5.

Bake in the oven for 20-25 minutes or until they look cooked (use your instincts)

Serve.

Verdict: As you would expect from Simon Hopkinson, this was delicious and VERY rich. The almond and chocolate give a pleasing texture.

Drink: Beer, Cava, red, white, vodka and hot chocolate.

Entertainment: Browsing through ‘The International Male Magazine’ and ‘All-Rubber Slimming Wear’.

> View the whole filthy set

> View the whole filthy set

Preparation time: 15 minutes plus 20 minutes chilling
Cooking time: 45 minutes
Skill level: easy
Serves: 4-6 (or one Frenchman)

Ingredients

For the topping

• plain flour – 80g
• light muscovado sugar – 80g
• caster sugar – 80g
• ground ginger – 1 tsp
• A good pinch of salt
• butter – chilled and cut into 1cm pieces – 80g
• blanched almonds – coarsely chopped – 80g

For the filling

• sweet or sour cherries – pitted – 450g
• apricots – pitted and quartered – 450g
• finely grated zest and juice of ½ lemon
• caster sugar – 70g (or about 20g more if you use sour cherries or the apricots are a bit tarty)
• 1 vanilla pod – split

Put the flour, sugars, ginger and salt in a bowl and stir to combine.

Add the butter and rub in with your fingertips until it resembles coarse breadcrumbs.

Add the nuts and cut them into the mixture with a knife.

Chill in the fridge for at least 20 minutes.

Meanwhile heat the oven to 190C/gas mark 5.

Put the cherries, apricots, lemon juice, zest and sugar in a bowl.

Scrape the seeds from the vanilla pod and add to the bowl.

(or in our case, open the vanilla pod tube bought from Saisbury’s earlier that morning and discover it to be empty, find receipt, grab Yumblog Junior, head back to Sainsbury’s, join queue at Customer ‘Services’, wait patiently in line and watch various idiots failing to communicate with one another, get handed replacement with a grunt, return home, etc.)

Stir everything together until well combined and tip into an ovenproof baking dish.

Take the topping out of the fridge and scatter over the fruit, squeezing together some of it into small chunks as you go (this will make the finished result more crunchy.)

Bake for 40-45 minutes, until the fruit is bubbling and the top crisp and golden brown.

Serve warm with cream, crème fraîche, vanilla ice-cream or for added luxury Bird’s Dream Topping.

Verdict: As I said, The Frenchman ate three helpings. No other endorsement necessary.

Drink: Definitely not the half bottle of ‘Costcutters Creek’ bought and left by a friend on Friday night. You know who you are.

Entertainment: Calculating whether to have another helping or save space for the cheese board.

Preparation time: 5 minutes
Cooking time: 45 minutes
Skill level: very easy
Serves: many

Ingredients

• full-fat cream cheese (at room temperature) – 1kg
• 7 large free-range eggs
• caster sugar – 400g
• double cream – 500ml
• plain flour – 30g

Pre-heat the oven to 220c (gas 7)

Line a 24cm round loose-bottomed cake tin with a double thickness of non-stick baking paper.

Break the eggs into a jug and beat well.

Spoon the cream cheese into a bowl and beat with a hand-held electric mixer.

Ghostly face in the cream cheese

Gradually add the beaten eggs.

Then mix in the sugar, followeed by the cream and then the flour … until smooth.

Pour into the prepared tin and bake for 40-45 minutes. The cheese cake should be nicely browned on top with a slight wobble in the middle.

Turn off the oven, slightly open the door and leave to cool. This will allow the cheesecake to ‘firm up’ and create a nice smooth texture.

When cool, carefully remove from the tin by inverting onto a plate and gently peeling away the baking paper. Invert again onto a serving plate so it is now right side up.

If the sides sag out a little bit (ours did), relax and just trim.

Verdict: Oh how they loved it at Brockwell Park that overcast Sunday afternoon in July. Dense and sweet and creamy and more please.

Drink: A bit of pink fizz, a bit of white fizz and a few cans of beer.

Entertainment: FFF breaking her weekend ‘I’ll only eat fruit’ silence with chocolate cake and cheese cake.

Wot no cake

Preparation time: 15 minutes
Cooking time: 45 minutes
Skill level: medium
Serves: 2 – 4

Ingredients

For the rice

• risotto rice – 150g
• 2 egg yolks
• caster sugar – 40g
• milk – 500ml
• butter – 10g
• dessert wine – 40ml
• vanilla essence – 2 tsp (or as instructed on the label)

For the rhubarb

• rhubarb – cut into 3cm chunks
• caster sugar – 100g
• 1 lemon – thinly peeled rind and juice
• 2 oranges – juice only

To serve

• Greek yoghurt

For the poached rhubarb, combine sugar, juices and peel with 500ml water in a saucepan and place over a medium heat.

Stir until the sugar dissolves, increase the heat to high and bring to the boil.

Reduce heat to low, add the rhubarb and cook until tender (5 minutes).

Remove from the heat and set aside.

Meanwhile, whisk the egg yolks and sugar in a bowl until thick and pale (3-4 minutes). Set aside until required.

Combine the milk and vanilla essence in a large saucepan and bring just to the boil. Remove from heat but keep warm.

Melt the butter in a separate saucepan over medium heat, add the rice and stir to coat (1-2 minutes).

Add wine and stir continuously until wine evaporates (1-2 minutes).

Add hot milk mixture, a ladle at a time, stirring continuously until milk is absorbed before adding more.

When rice is al dente (25-30 minutes), stir in egg yolk mixture and cook until thick (1-2 minutes).

Remove from the heat, divide among bowls, spoon over rhubarb and serve immediately with a generous blob of Greek yoghurt.

Verdict: Good. The rice is rich, creamy and vanillary with a little bite in the centre. Nicely complemented by the sharp citrus of the rhubarb. The yoghurt works well too. Give it a go.

Drink: Well the recipe required 40ml of dessert wine, so obviously we had to tidy up the remaining 710ml.

Entertainment: Watching Yumblog Junior sleep.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Preparation time: 10 minutes
Cooking time: 45 minutes
Skill level: easy
Serves: 8
Recipe: Wa’ro Magazine

Ingredients

• rhubarb – trimmed, washed and cut into 5cm pieces – 500 g
• 1 orange
• 1 vanilla pod
• honey – 6 tbsp

Pre-heat your oven to 150C/gas mark 3.

Put the rhubarb in a roasting tin which is large enough for it to lie comfortably in a single layer.

Add the zest and juice of the orange.

Split the vanilla pod and scrape the seeds over the rhubarb.

Pour over the honey and mix everything together.

Cover loosely with tin foil and bake for 40-45 minutes until the rhubarb is tender but not cooked to a pulp.

Eat with some thick Greek yoghurt or ice cream.

Verdict: Very tasty indeed… and not too sweet. The final flavour is dependent on the type of honey you use – ours had a strange (but not unpleasant) liquoricey medicinal finish.

Drink: A couple of properly priced pints of Meantime London Lager at The Old Brewery, Greenwich, followed by a bottle of red back at Yumblog Towers.

Entertainment: Sunday night is ‘Waking the Dead’ night. Luuuuuke!.

Preparation time: 15 minutes
Cooking time: 10 minutes
Skill level: easy
Serves: 4
Recipe: Wa’ro website

Ingredients

• caster sugar – 3tbsp
• honey – 4tbsp
• grated zest of 1 lemon and juice of 2 lemons
• grated zest and juice of 2 limes
• 3 cardamom pods – lightly crushed
• 4 oranges – peeled and segmented
• 2 pink grapefruit – peeled and segmented
• rum or brandy – a splash (optional)
• PLUS: Greek yoghurt, Cantuccini biscuits and a sprig of rosemary

Dissolve the sugar with the honey, fruit zest, fruit juices, rum/brandy and cardamom over a low heat.

Simmer for 5 minutes.

Remove the cardamom pods and add the orange and grapefruit segments and gently warm through in the syrup.

Decorate with a sprig of rosemary and serve with Greek yoghurt and Cantuccini biscuits.

Verdict: A light, refreshing and fragrant end to an eclectic meal.

Drink: Now that maternity leave is over and Yumblog Junior has to spend most of her little life at nursery, the mornings start very early and as a result consumption of recreational alcohol the night before necessarily needs to be moderated. Therefore despite the evening consisting of four normally boozy adults sitting around a table for several hours, only 2 bottles of wine were drunk. That said, our guests had turned up pissed after an afternoon of drinking ‘£100 a bottle’ champagne.

Entertainment: Trying to explain the concept of molecular gastronomy to our baffled and pissed guests and battling to stop a poorly Yumblog Junior from drowning in her own snot.

A belated Happy New Year to our reader(s).

Preparation time: 10 minutes plus 2 hours refrigeration time
Cooking time: 15 minutes
Skill level: Easy
Serves: We had it between the two of us over several evenings. In reality, this is so rich it would probably serve 6-8 people.

Ingredients

• milk – 360ml
• (good quality) dark, bitter chocolate – cut into chunks – 210g
• gelatine – 2 leaves
• 3 egg yolks
• double cream – 180ml

Put the gelatine leaves into a bowl, cover with cold water and set aside to soften.

Heat the milk, add the chocolate and stir until melted.

Whisk the egg yolks and add to the chocolate mixture.

Cook over a low heat until thickened to the consistency of custard.

Drain the gelatine and add to the chocolate mixture while it is still hot. Whisk thoroughly.

Pass the mixture through a sieve into a cold bowl.

Place over crushed ice and stir with a wooden spoon until it is starting to set.

NYE meal – A (very disappointing) trout mousse,
a spectacular deconstructed prawn vol-au-vent,
and this profoundly rich Simon Hopkinson chocolate mousse.
And thankfully no Jools Holland

Lightly whip the cream to soft peaks and then gently fold into the chocolate mixture.

Pour into individual ramekins or receptacles of your choice.

Refrigerate for at least 2 hours.

Serve (Simon Hopkinson suggests serving with cold crème anglaise)

Serving suggestion

Verdict: To quote ‘Guys n’ Dolls‘ 1974 No.2 smash hit ‘There’s a whole lot of loving’, this dessert is ‘…richer than a 49er miner striking lucky (he was never rich as me)’

Drink: Champagne, a bottle of white and no doubt a vodka and tonic to round off.

Entertainment: Fell asleep on the sofa but woke up just in time to see in the new year.

A yumblog 6Music tribute to Ronnie James Dio who sadly died over the weekend.

Preparation time: 12 minutes + overnight chilling
Cooking time: 35-40 minutes
Skill level: easy
Makes: 35-40 (in our case, a lot more than we could actually eat, despite taking half of them to work)

Ingredients

• plain flour – 190g
• milk – 100g
• lemon juice – 4 drops
• fresh yeast – 5g (dried yeast – 3g)
• unsalted butter – 105g (divided equally into 5 pieces)
• a pinch of salt
• granulated sugar – the biscuit dough is rolled on this instead of flour

Put the flour, milk, lemon juice and yeast in a bowl along with a pinch of salt and mix together.

Place one piece of butter in with the mixture and whisk at high speed for 2 minutes. Repeat this 4 times with the rest of the butter.

Wrap the dough in cling film and refrigerate overnight.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Next day.

Preheat the oven to a cool 130°C (gas mark 1) and line a baking sheet with non-stick baking paper.

Cover your work surface with sugar and roll out your dough until very thin, sprinkling with more sugar to ensure both sides have a sugar coating.

Use a biscuit cutter to cut into a shape of your choice, place onto your lined baking sheet and sprinkle with yet more sugar.

Bake for 35-40 minutes, or until a biscuity golden colour. It is vital to note that the biscuits will still be soft when removed from the oven but they will crisp up nicely once left to cool. If they’re crisp when removed from the oven you’ve overdone them.

Leave to cool on a wire rack.

Have a sit down with a nice mug of tea and an Arnhem biscuit.

Verdict: Simple rich buttery biscuits with a crunchy sugar coating. For that extra sugar rush and potential diabetic coma why not do as we did and eat them accompanied by a Simon Hopkinson cream-laden rhubarb fool.

Drink: These biscuits make splendid dunkers, so why not have a nice mug of tea?

Entertainment: ‘Gran Torino’ on DVD. Clint Eastwood plays an aged, racist war vet with a Bronze Star and a heart of gold. A not particularly subtle but never-the-less greatly enjoyable popcorn movie…or in our case a not particularly subtle but never-the-less greatly enjoyable Arnhem biscuit and rhubarb fool movie.

Preparation time: 10 minutes
Cooking time: 3½ – 4½ hours (yep that’s not a typo, 3½ – 4½ hours)
Skill level: Easy
Recipe: Simon Hopkinson

Ingredients

• pudding rice – 100g
• full-fat milk – 1 litre
• caster sugar – 75g
• butter – 65g
• double cream – 150ml
• ½ a vanilla pod, split lengthways
• tiny pinch of salt

Ideally for this recipe you will need a heavy-bottomed casserole dish which is suitable for both the oven and the hob.

Preheat the oven to a cool 140°C (gas mark 1).

On the hob, melt the butter in your casserole dish and add the sugar. Stir over a gentle heat until it has become soft and gooey like toffee.

Add the rice and continue to stir until the rice is puffy, pale brown and fully coated in the sugar mixture.

Add the milk which will hiss angrily when it hits the dish. Use a wooden spoon to break up any lumps.

Add the vanilla pod and squash it around a bit to release the seeds.

Add cream and salt and bring to the boil.

Place in the oven and cook slowly for 3 – 4 hours until it has just started to set and has a tasty skin on top.

Simon Hopkinson said to eat this warm or cold, but never hot, so we did as we were told.

Verdict: Luxurious, creamy not overly sweet with a lovely butterscotch/toffee finish. Delicious warm. Delicious cold. Delicious.

Drink: A heady variety of better than average wines.

Entertainment: An evening of sibling badinage for her, an evening of listening to sibling badinage for him.